Fellowship of the Ring Parody
by YourMommasWife
Summary: This is a parody of the Fellowship of the Ring. Not really much to be said, but it pretty much summarizes the book. I love LotR, I just like making fun of the things I like at times


The Fellowship of the Ring

GALADRIEL: There's this ring. If you wear it, you'll have involuntary spasms. Plus you'll become invisible. Well that's pretty cool, but anyway- don't wear the ring.

FRODO: Gali! Tell me about Sauron!

GALADRIEL: If you ever call me Gali again I will personally toast your entrails and drink it for my afternoon tea.

FRODO: Dang, Gal, you're sooo sexy!

GALADRIEL: _sighs_ Anyway, Sauron died while trying to keep the ring. Except he's not really dead. Get it? Too bad. Then this _thing _and a hobbit got it, and they both had more spasms than you'll ever see in your life.

HARRY: _My precious! _

FRODO: GET OUT OF MY MOVIE YOU TOE WART! YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MOVIE TO STAR IN!

HARRY: _whines _But MY movie sucks!

GALADRIEL: Can we finish this stupid intro?

FRODO: Hon, you're MY precious!

GALADRIEL: The REAL toe wart here got the ring. Now he must destroy it, only with his trusty boyfriend and insignificant others by his side.

SAM: I'M NOT GAY!

RON: So THIS is how you break up with me! Well FINE! I don't need you!

FRODO: _throws arms around Gandalf _GANDALF!

VILLAGER: _smirks_

FRODO: I'M NOT GAY!

GANDALF: Let it go, Frodo. Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure.

FRODO: Wtf?

MERRY: FIRE!!

PIPPIN: _exploding stuff_

GANDALF: Y'all are pyromaniacs. Watch this: WHOO!! _makes a dragon_

SAM: I love you.

GANDALF: Go back to your boyfriend, hobbit. Now I'm going to that psycho hobbits house for some tea.

FRODO: Bilbo's? HE'S GAY!

BILBO: _from the house _I'm not gay! But my boyfriend is.

GANDALF: Bilbo, you gotta let go of the ring.

BILBO: IT'S MINE! ALL MINE!

GANDALF: All right, if you keep the ring, Sauron will hunt you down and physically claw you to get it for himself.

BILBO: Is he hott?

GANDALF: I'm going to make Frodo take it to Mordor along with his little boyfriend.

SAM: I'M NOT GAY!

GANDALF: You idiot, you were there the whole time?

SAM: Well… me and Frodo had a fight. I was-

GANDALF: Yeah, yeah. You ready to go?

SAM: Lemme bring Merry and Pippin along too.

GANDALF: Fine, make it a foursome, see if I care!

FRODO: Come on, Sam, go and ask Rosie for a dance!

SAM: But Frodo, _I_ wanna dance with _you_!

FRODO: I'M NOT GAY!

BILBO: And then I slayed the- the- _yawns _big scary dra-dra-gon… _snores_

VILLAGER: Oh, shut it, you old coot.

PIPPIN: No, Merry, the big one!

SAM: I'm not even gonna ask.

PIPPIN: Stick it in the ground!

MERRY: I'm pushing it as hard as I can!

FRODO: Come on. We're leaving.

MERRY: Ooh yeah!

SAM: _turns away from Merry _I'm with you.

BILBO: Now I must go far, far away. No one knows where I'm going. _puts on ring and disappears_

VILLAGERS: _silence_ Yessssssss!

BILBO: _disappears into house smiling at his cleverness_

GANDALF: Give me the frickin ring!

BILBO: All right, all right. _mutters _If I didn't know any better I'd say he was pmsing…

GANDALF: Bilbo, if you don't give me the ring I'm afraid I'll never see you again.

BILBO: _grumbles_ All right then, you old geyser. _leaves_

FRODO: _bounds inside _He's gone, hasn't he?

GANDALF: Yes, my boy.

FRODO&GANDALF: Yesssssssss!

GANDALF: Frodo, I want you to have this ring.

FRODO: Gandalf… this is rather sudden…

GANDALF: Just take the effing ring. I will be back soon.

FRODO: And I will be counting every minute!

HOBBITS: _get drunk and dance on tables_

GANDALF: _far far away _That stupid old villager. Like I'd ever fall for a hobbit! If it was everyone it would be like, Saruman or Legolas or someone.

FRODO: All right, I'm gonna call it a night.

SAM: FRODO! Don't do it! _sways in drunkeness_

FRODO: _leaves _

GANDALF: Is it secret? Is it safe?

FRODO: The engagement ring?

GANDALF: YES! I mean… NO! DO U HAVE THE FRICKIN RING?

FRODO: Yup! _hands to Gandalf_

GANDALF: _throws into fire_

FRODO: All right, fine! _starts crying_

GANDALF: _takes ring back out of fire _Now Frodo… I want your little foursome to get your little hobbit asses down to Mordor and destroy this ring. It is not our engagement ring. It's something that's going to kill us all if we don't destroy it.

FRODO: I'll do it, Gandie!

GANDALF: Oh yeah. And Sauron has returned. So if you die, make sure the ring is with one of your other gay friends or something, okay? _hears noise_

SAM: Am I coming too?

GANDALF: Dang, Sammie, you suck at eavesdropping.

SAM: YESSSSSSS! Me and Frodo, together forever!

FRODO: I love you.

MERRY&PIPPIN: _on the phone _If you want some, come get some, cuz where I'm from we tote big guns, And everybody know somebody that know somebody that know somethin bout it,  
And I want answers now who, what, where, when and why.

GANDALF: I'll never understand teenagers.

SAM: _traveling with Frodo _I'm going to be the farthest away from home than I've ever been!

FRODO: We're in front of Merry and Pippin's. They live, what, one mile away?

SAM: _bawling _

MERRY: FRODO!

PIPPIN: SAM!

FRODO: MERRY!

SAM: PIPPIN!

SAURON: RING!

FRODO: MINE!

GOLLUM: PRECIOUS!

SAM: MOMMY!

GOLLUM: NO!

GANDALF: SARUMAN!

SARUMAN: GANDALF!

GANDALF: BOYFRIEND!

SARUMAN: EX!

SAM: MOMMY?

SAURON: NO!

SARUMAN: CRYSTAL BALL!

GANDALF: NOOOO!

SARUMAN: ME EVIL!

GANDALF: NOOOO!

SARUMAN: I KEEL YOU!

GANDALF: OKAY!

SARUMAN: I KEELED YOU!

GANDALF: OKAY!

SAM: FRODO! I thought I lost you…

FRODO: Sorry Sam. I was just over there.

MERRY: MUSHROOMS!

PIPPIN: SCARY BLACK RIDER!

BLACK RIDER: Yo man, why all the racism? I call you white trash, you call me scary black rider… _sings _can you practice what you preach, and would you turn the other cheek. Father, father, father, father… _sees hobbits looking at him strangely _Never mind.

FRODO: The ring is urging me to put it on! _almost puts it on_

BLACK RIDER: That ain't right, yo!

FRODO: _runs_

BLACK RIDER: _chases_

FRODO: _jumps on boat_

BLACK RIDER: You turd! You wanna fight yo? All right, then bring it!

INNKEEPER: Welcome to the Prancing Pony! Complete with gay pub!

SAM: Thanks!

INNKEEPER: The name's Butterbur. Would you all be staying in one room?

FRODO: Of course.

BUTTERBUR: _winks _Now, what's your name?

FRODO: _spazzes _I DON'T KNOW MY NAME! WHY DO YOU CARE? NEXT I'LL BE TELLING YOU ABOUT THE RING! AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! CAUSE THEN EVERYONE WILL DIE! DIE I TELL YOU! DIE! _puts on ring and disappears _

GUY IN CLOAK: _gasp_

FRODO: _takes ring off and reappears _

GUY IN CLOAK: _grabs Frodo and takes him to a room_

SAM: ONLY I CAN DO THAT! _follows with Merry and Pippin, only to get scared by the sight of the Guy in Cloak_

GUY IN CLOAK: The name's Strider. I'm one of them Rangers. Blah blah blah, Black Riders coming to get you, blah blah blah, whole bunch of rings, blah blah blah, they're drawn to the ring... blah blah blah…

SAM: _randomly _I'M NOT GAY!

STRIDER: We're going to Rivendell.

FRODO: What's in Rivendell?

STRIDER: _sighs _A beautiful woman, biatch.

EVERYONE: _sleeps _

STRIDER: _sings happily_

FRODO: _smirks_

STRIDER: I'M NOT GAY!

HOBBITS: _make food_

FRODO: _acts smart_

NAZUL: _come_

FRODO: _puts on ring_

NAZUL: What a retard. _stabs shoulder_

STRIDER: _chases away_

SAM: SAVE FRODO!

STRIDER: He's gonna be a ringwraith like them 'cause he got stabbed.

EVERYONE: _go to Rivendell while Frodo dies_

ARWEN: _walks in_

EVERYONE: _gets hypnotized by her hottness_

STRIDER: BACK OFF!

ARWEN: _takes Frodo and rides off_

STRIDER: _calls after her _THAT IS **SO** NOT FAIR!

WRAITHS: _follow Arwen and almost dead Frodo_

ARWEN: _crosses river and makes a huge wave_

WRAITHS: _horses drown and wraiths get carried away_

ELROND: Hear my voice. Come back to the light.

FRODO: _comes back to the light, sort of_

GANDALF: Yo, wassup Frodo?

FRODO: You're supposed to be dead

GANDALF: So are you, biatch.

FRODO: Good point. Why are you talking like that?

GANDALF: Whacha talkin' bout, foo?

FRODO: Never mind.

SAM: _runs in _FRODO! YOU'RE NOT DEAD!

FRODO: SAM! YOU'RE STILL HERE!

GANDALF: Yo what's da deal? This little white boy be ignorin my return!

MERRY AND PIPPIN: _runs in _FRODO! Gandalf…. you're supposed to be dead.

GANDALF: _raps _2 trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside. 2 trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside! Guess whos back, back again Shadys back, tell a friend Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back Guess who's back...

STRIDER: Don't even try.

LEGOLAS: You're all white boys yo! Aragorn, tell him how its done.

MERRY: Who's Aragorn?

STRIDER/ARAGORN: Dude, it's me.

PIPPIN: Well then who's the hott elf?

LEGOLAS: Who's the gay hobbit! OO! You just got TOLD!

ARAGORN: Plus Legolas, I'm just a white guy too.

LEGOLAS: DAMN STRAIGHT YO! You ain't no white boy! You rappin' king! Show the old man how its done!

FRODOL: RAP OFF!!!

ARAGORN: I'm a white boy but my neck is red and I still be peein all over da bed and yall know exactly just how it's said. I'm just a little white boy whose neck is red! Yall be treated unfairly cuz you're just plain small, and the ladies all treat you like a bowling ball. You can't be rolled around, it just ain't right, you better come back and get in the fight! REPRESENT!_smiles modestly_

EVERYONE: _claps slowly_

ARAGORN: And no quotin' Eminem old man!

GANDALF: Your mom…

LEGOLAS: Come on Gandalf! Show 'em what you got! Remember, the hood's always got your back!

ARAGORN: Whose side are you on?

GANDALF: Yo white boys think I'm a wizard man yo. _hears silence _I ain't never been on a date since 1988 yo yall think I'm old but I'm in a rush to touch…

ARAGORN: Changed my mind. Can't quote Chingy either.

GANDALF: _sighs, then starts rapping _Your mom is the only one that would ever look at me 'cause she never even wore a checkered panty and she ain't ever eaten anything to lose weight and all she ever does is fill her plate! And yall out their know what I'm talkin' about, these women like the guys who can all but shout, and yall know how they are, yo, they won't look at me, they won't look at you cuz you're a she! OO!

EVERYONE BUT FRODO: _silence_

FRODO: _sniffs _That was BEAUTIFUL! It came from the heart!

MERRY: Aragorn wins.

PIPPIN: But they both sucked!

SAM: Yeah, but Aragorn's hotter.

ARAGORN: _plays with sword_

BOROMIR: Hey homie!

ARAGORN: Don't touch my future sword.

BOROMIR: _cuts himself _It's still sharp!

ARAGORN: Duh.

ARWEN: _comes up_

ARAGORN: _pushes Boromir out of the room_

ARWEN: Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate.

ARAGORN: I totally did not hear a word you just said.

ARWEN: Then take this Evenstar necklace and make out with me.

ARAGORN: Will do. _they make out _

GANDALF: _raps _One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

ELROND: The ring is evil. Me and my hottie daughter don't want it here.

BOROMIR: Give me the frickin ring. I'll take it.

ARAGORN: You can't take it! No one can control it except Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome.

SAM: Mommy?

ARAGORN: No!

BOROMIR: Then let the elf have it. He's a lot hotter than you!

LEGOLAS: But Aragorn is not just a Ranger! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn.

EVERYONE: _silence_

GANDALF: The heir of Isildur.

EVERYONE: _silence_

GANDALF: Never mind. So, who wants to take the ring to Mordor?

EVERYONE: _silence_

ARWEN: I will.

GANDALF: No. You're a girl.

ARWEN: Well, excuse me! _slaps across face_

GANDALF: Anyone else?

ARAGORN: I'll do it. Cause I'm the heir of Isildur!

LEGOLAS: I will too, 'cause I'm hott.

FRODO: I will, if Sam will.

SAM: I will, if Frodo will.

MERRY: I'll do it! Us 4 are like brothers!

PIPPIN: Me too. We're more than that!

GIMLI: I'LL DO IT! _sings _Anything he can do, I can do better!

BOROMIR: I'll do it too. Cause I'm so much cooler than Aragorn. Plus I have a totally awesome brother. Except me and my daddy hate him.

GANDALF: And I guess I'll have to come too, 'cause I have magical powers.

HARRY: So do I!

FRODO: But you're ugly. Go away. Get back in your own movie.

HARRY: _whines _But MY movie sucks!

BILBO: Take my sword.

FRODO: Thanks!

BILBO: Take my shirt!

FRODO: Um… thanks! _buttons down shirt_

BILBO: OMG! HOTNESS! GIMME THE RING!

FRODO: No.

BILBO: _cries _

EVERYONE: _leaves Rivendell_

ARWEN: I want you to know, Gandalf, that I hate your guts. And Aragorn, I would hate your guts too, except you're hott.

ARAGORN: I totally didn't hear a word you just said. Wanna make out again?

ARWEN: No. _slaps him _

EVERYONE: _walks_

SARUMAN: _tries to make mountain fall down on everyone_

GANDALF: Oh, fine! Is this any way to treat your ex?

FRODO: We're going to be frozen alive!

SAM: It's okay, Mr. Frodo! I'll keep you warm!

FRODO: Thanks, Sam.

BOROMIR: Oh, gross.

ARAGORN: As if you've never said it.

GIMLI: Let's go through the mines!

LEGOLAS: Like, OMG, NO! Do you know how much this little elf costume cost me?

GANDALF: We're going through the mines.

GANDALF: _at the mine entrance _It says, speak friend and enter. Wtf?!

FRODO: _spazzing _YOU HAVE TO SPEAK THE ELVISH WORD FOR FRIEND!

GANDALF: Mellon.

FRODO: As in water? _gets grabbed by freaky tentacle while the entrance opens_

EVERYONE: _tries to save Frodo_

FRODO: _after getting saved _Thanks you guys! I never knew you cared about me so much.

ARAGORN: FYI… the only reason we saved your little hobbit ass was 'cause you've got the ring… L to the OSER, SUCKER!

FRODO: _cries _

EVERYONE: _walks inside the mines_

GANDALF: _sees Balin _BALIN! SPEAK TO ME! Now I want to know why you haven't been returning any of my calls, or e-mails, or those awesome voodoo dolls I sent to you for Christmas?

LEGOLAS: Um… maybe cause he liked the voodoo dolls?

GANDLAF: I doubt it. I made them myself, out of an old hankerchif my _screams _EX used… _starts crying _I don't think he liked them. BUT WHY WOULD HE BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS?

GIMLI: He's dead.

GANDALF: _cries_

ORCS: _come_

EVERYONE: _fights _

ORCS: _die_

BALROG: _comes out_

GANDALF: Hello, Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome!

SAM: Mommy?

BALROG: No!

GANDALF: I'm supposed to keel you.

BALROG: Please don't.

GALDALF: I don't want to. You're the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

BALROG: _smiles_

GANDALF: _smiles back_

ARAGORN: This is sickening. _pushes both into the crack in the earth when no ones looking_

FRODO: GANDALF!

GANDALF&BALROG: _hold on to each other and fall_

ARAGORN: Oh, that's sooo horrible.

GANDALF: _from crack _Fly, you fools! And Aragorn, look after everyone for me. Keep them warm. Keep them safe. Hold them while they cry… or organize them into groups, so then you can all… _voice fades into silence_

FRODO: _flaps arms in vein_

ARAGORN: Now I'm the leader!

EVERYONE ELSE: God can be so cruel sometimes…

_outside_

MERRY&PIPPIN: _hold on to each other and cry_

SAM&FRODO: _hold on to each other and cry_

LEGOLAS&ARAGORN:_ hold on to each other and cry_

GIMLI&BOROMIR:_ hold on to each other and cry_

ARAGORN: Now we have an even number of people to do this!

BOROMIR: Easy for you to say… you're not left hugging an old dwarf with a hairy, bristly beard…

_everyone walks_

FRODO: Where are we going, Aragorn?

ARAGORN: To another beautiful woman, biatch.

FRODO: Arwen?

ARAGORN: Less beautiful, but still extremely hott.

GALADRIEL: I heard that! _she and all other elves notch arrows onto bows_

GIMLI: _screams like a girl_

FRODO: Aren't you my Gali?

GALADRIEL: Um… yeah… but if you ever call me that again I'll fire this stupid arrow.

FRODO: It's okay, I have moved onto much hotter things.

GALADRIEL: That's a relief. Fine, you guys can come to Lothlorien.

FRODO: Is that like Rivendell?

GALADRIEL: WHY AM I ALWAYS COMPARED TO THAT STUPID RIVENDELL SLUT! IS SHE SOO MUCH HOTTER THAN ME? IS HER LITTLE PLACE SOO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL? IS HER FACE SOO MUCH MORE FLAWLESS THAN MINE? IS HER LITTLE NECKLACE SOO MUCH SHINIER THAN MINE? I DON'T THINK SO!

ARAGORN: I do.

FRODO: And to question one, yes.

GIMLI: Question 2, yes, even though I've never seen your place, but I know it won't be a beautiful as the place I like to call… River, not a well. Rivendell!

GALADRIEL: Everyone calls it that, bastard.

LEGOLAS: Question 3, yes… us elves, me and Arwen, do tend to have flawless faces.

GALADRIEL: I am an elf, you miserable little piece of ass!

ARAGORN: Plus, her necklace is shinier… I have it on right here!

GALADRIEL: While I'm spazzing, I might as well do my other little spaz scene, right? Well, come on Frodo. We'll go to the garden.

GALADRIEL: Look into the birdbath.

FRODO: …okay… _looks into birdbath and screams like a girl _Those Orcs don't even have their makeup on, yet! _takes a second look _Actually, they look kind of hotter without all the slime…

GALADRIEL: Anyhow, show me the ring.

FRODO: All right. Actually, you can have It. _holds out the ring_

GALADRIEL: In place of a dark lord, you would have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea!

FRODO: There is only one woman who is as beautiful as the dawn, and that little slut is NOT YOU! But you do have the treacherous part right. _smiles, pleased with himself_

GALADRIEL: _screams while flapping arms_

FRODO: _backs away_

GALADRIEL: Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair! AND WITH THE RING, I WILL BE HOTTER THAN THAT SLUT! AND EVERYONE WILL WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH **ME, **NOT HER!

FRODO: That wasn't in the script.

GALADRIEL: Deal with it! _flicks him off _

_random scene at Sarumans place_

SARUMAN: Who do you serve?

ORCS: Saruman!

SARUMAN: What do we want?

ORCS: Beer!

SARUMAN: Try again.

ORCS: Your mom!

SARUMAN: NO!

ORCS: The one ring…

ELVES OF LOTHLORIEN: We're going to give you cloaks, and bread.

LEGOLAS: This bread is like, magical.

GIMLI: The cloaks are too, but they're a bit too big. And all these weapons you gave us, they aren't really different from what we had before…

ELVES: Deal with it! _all elves flick off the Fellowship_

FRODO: Wow, Gali! _gets kicked in the balls, but recovers remarkably quickly _You gave me a… lantern thingie.

SAM: Better than me… she gave me a rope 'cause she ran out of daggers!

_everyone gets in the boat and rows away_

GIMLI: She giggled at me. That was her gift. Oh yeah, and a lock of her hair.

ARAGORN: She told me that Arwen was a slut!

LEGOLAS: Everyone knows that.

ARGORN: I know, right? Boromir, you've been quiet… what did she give you?

BOROMIR: A cloak.

ARAGORN: We all got those.

BOROMIR: That little cheapskate bitch!

_Fellowship turns back to Lothlorien_

ELVES: _are still flicking off Fellowship_

FELLOWSHIP: _flicks off elves_

_on shore_

BOROMIR: Frodo, can we go to a private place?

FRODO: My heart was claimed by another many years ago. I am sorry.

BOROMIR: No, I just want the ring.

FRODO: Oh… I would give it to you, except you're going to die.

BOROMIR: Oh right. In fact, I hear the Orcs coming right now.

FRODO: Me too. I'm going to become invisible and go away.

BOROMIR: You do that. I'm going to get myself killed.

FRODO: All right.

FRODO: _had put on the ring, and now takes it off_

ARAGORN: Yo, Frodo!

FRODO: STAY AWAY!

ARAGORN: …okay… um… I was just going to tell you that I'm going to protect you.

FRODO: Awww, thanks. Do you want the ring?

ARAGORN: Not really… Hey, is your sword glowing?

FRODO: Yup.

ARAGORN: Then run away.

SAM: _lost _FRODO! Frodo… don't leave me! Frodo! I NEED you!

MERRY: Hey Frodo!

PIPPIN: We're going to come out into the open in the middle of an Orc battle!

FRODO: You do that… I'm leaving.

BOROMIR: _charges in, killing Orcs_

MERRY&PIPPIN: Our hero!

BOROMIR: _turns to them _Gee, thanks! At least someone likes me! Frodo kicked me, and Aragorn told me to get away from his- _arrow hits him _OW! _kills more Orcs until they bag Merry and Pippin and he can't get up anymore_

ARAGORN: _shows up_ BOROMIR!

BOROMIR: I'm dying.

ARAGORN: _kisses forehead_

BOROMIR: Awww… I always knew you liked me. Listen, tell Frodo that I wish I could kick his little hobbit ass for kicking me in the ass after Sam kicked him in the ass before his ass got kicked by Galadriel whose ass got kicked by Arwen before you got your ass kicked by me but then I got my ass kicked by Legolas, but I can't cause I'm going to be dead.

ARAGORN: …I'll… do… that…

BOROMIR: And tell my brother… that I know he is hotter than me, and I'm sorry father liked me better.

ARAGORN: Who the hell is your brother?

BOROMIR: Faramir. He'll come in in like the 2nd movie, I think. Also, tell Gandalf that Saruman and him are never going to get back together, because Saruman is pure evil.

ARAGORN: … but Gandalf's dead…

BOROMIR: Not really. _dies _

SAM: Hey Frodo! Is that you on the boat?

FRODO: Yeah, but shh… go back to the others.

SAM: No, I wanna come with you! _almost drowns_

FRODO: Awww, it's cute how you're so stupid. I'd love it if you came with me.

SAM: I wanna be with you for this!

FRODO: Thanks. Now let's go, it's the end of the movie.

SAM: No, wait. We have to stand up on a hill.

FRODO&SAM: _stand up on a hill_

FRODO: It's beautiful.

SAM: I'm glad to share this moment full of dread and danger with you, Frodo.

FRODO: Awww, thanks.


End file.
